How To: Ride Campus Elevator

Elevators are the best. It helps me, a young, energetic, and totally still not old person, save energy by not walking a few extra steps whilst fighting the force of gravity despite the fact that it is healthy as shit.

I take the elevator every day. Here’s a guide to riding elevators, with different possible courses of action for different situations.

Few people waiting:

  1. Press the up or down key repeatedly until elevator arrives. Keep doing this because if you keep pressing it for too long, it might magically pop out a genie and grant you 5 rule-free wishes.
  2. Hop in.
  3. Wait until you reach your destination floor. If you are alone or are the last one inside the lift, press all buttons for all floors. This will guarantee all the people from all floors a ride in the next few days.
  4. Leave
  5. Pat yourself in the back, for you have served all floors. Even those without intelligent life.

Shitloads of people waiting:

Unlike the first scenario, you can’t use the spam technique to have a chance on a genie on this one. People are probably already there way ahead of you. The good thing about this situation is that you get to have a social bonding with fellow assholes, which is beneficial to all of you in a lot of ways. Assholes in groups tend to have an aura bonus.

  1. Wait in front of elevator, with probably around 1000 more people.
  2. Do not, I REPEAT, do not leave space for the people going out of the elevator.
  3. Once the door opens, stand your ground. Do not let them go out first. As an asshole, your pride is at stake. No matter how impossible, you and 1000s of other people must go in BEFORE the previous users must come out.
  4. While in the lift waiting to get to your destination, randomly cough and don’t cover your mouth. Also, make excruciatingly corny jokes and expect the rest of the assholes to laugh.
  5. They will not laugh, because fuck you.

General rules:

Never back the fuck down. As an asshole, you must only think of yourself and nothing else.

If you see a handicapped person, a teacher, an elderly woman, or people who are carrying really heavy things, do not let them go in first as there might not be enough space for you.

Remember the main asshole rule: I am an asshole and I do as I please.

Now go out there and apply what you’ve learned!


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