How To: Drive

Vehicles have become an integral part of our lives in this fast paced world. No longer does going from one point to another take ages thanks to these internal combustion engines found in our portable metal frames .

With this technology, a new breed of assholes dawned.

Ricers roamed the street, with nothing but Need for Speed and The Fast and the Furious series as their design and driving influence. If the two said media don’t appeal to you, allow me to teach you how to become a full fledged driving asshole. I will guarantee you more than just attention.

Everyone can be a ricer.

Here is all that you have to do:

  1. Own a car –  It doesn’t really matter what brand you pick as long as you can buy one, but  preferred cars on my list include the Honda Civic and the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. If you’re going for a Civic get a sixth-gen one because the newer ones suck.
  2. Slap stickers and decals on it – Whatever car you chose, it is important, more than anything else, to slap the Type R logo on the back so that when you pass stationary vehicles, they see that all-so-glorious sign. Other common decals include: 5Zigen, Apex, BBS, Enkei, Falken, Greddy, NOS, Skunk, Sparco, and Venom. These can be placed on random spots on the car.
  3. Install spoiler – The bigger the spoiler, the greater the down force. This will ensure your car will remain stable at city speeds of 40km/h.
  4. Increase your muffler’s volume – This is crucial. Failure to do this step will result in your car sounding like your grandma’s.  Either puncture your stock muffler or get a performance one. Everybody knows that the louder the exhaust, the faster the car.
  5. Get a neon dashboard – At night, with the windows down, everybody will see how awesome your dash is. The more they acknowledge the beauty that is your dash, the faster your car will go. Which reminds me….
  6. Keep windows down – A ricer will always show his face to the world, with extreme pride over his/her “tuned” vehicle.
  7. With the windows down, blast some tunes – This is to ensure that everybody knows how great your musical taste is.
  8. Have a smoke in hand – It looks cool. Keep your hands outside the window for maximum effect.

Now for driving:

  1. Rev up after start – When close to other people, rev your car up so they will have an idea how fast you can actually go. If you followed step 4, you will have a louder muffler, therefore a faster car.
  2. When accelerating to 50km/h, remain at 1st gear – This will guarantee that your engine’s RPM stays at the optimal level. As a bonus, your car will sound like a roaring tiger in a busy city street, increasing your rep.
  3. Occupy two lanes – One a 4-lane road, take half of both the inner and outer lane. Remain at first gear for maximum effect.
  4. When someone attempts to pass you, speed up.
  5. When they give up passing you, slow back down. 
  6. Occupy both lanes once again.

Parking tips:

  • On parking spaces, make sure to occupy two slots. If you come to think of it, it’s just one slot wasted, which isn’t really that much, right? Besides, you get remarkable space for you and the cars beside you to open your doors, without worrying about hitting the others when swinging the door away from your car.
  • When parallel parking, make sure to reverse your car’s ass up to the lip of the one behind you. Give them the finger for not “leaving themselves enough room”. Bonus: you get class-leading space to move out when forwarding.
  • Do not give a shit about rules when available parking spaces are “too far”. There’s always the intersection, someone’s driveway, and many others that you can exploit for your own well-being. Genuine assholery right there.

So there you have it – Driving like a real man.

As always, remember the asshole’s rule: I am an asshole and I do as I please.

Never give a fuck to other motorists. It’s your god damn road, bro.

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